Do you currently feel or have felt in the past overwhelmed, exhausted, reclusive or unmotivated? I think that most of us have felt at least one of these things within our relationship designs at some point or time period of our life. When you're feeling any one of these it puts a strain on the connection within your relationship. I have had those feelings a lot at moments throughout my life, none of us are immune. The hardest part was, I had no idea why… and it kept happening. I didn’t want to feel this way, I wanted the connection, I wanted to feel closer to my partner not further away. So why am I feeling this way when it is defiantly not what I want. Why does it keep happening?
Then this word Capacity came into the picture. I was feeling like I didn’t really know what that even meant even though I had heard it many times before and how could that help me to stop feeling like I am and stop me from pulling away from the person I really did love so very much.
See the thing is, when we are beyond our own capacity these are some of the feels you may have. I know from my experience feeling this way can lead to more horrible feels and actions, that you and I display. Yes, just like you I have moments feeling so bad or confused I just want to curl up in a ball and roll away like one of those cute little rollie pollie’s, only when I do it’s not so cute. And that's just one of the ways we may handle it.
If you keep pushing, pushing and pushing yourself to do or handle things you can’t, it will not help. This will only put you in a space of overwhelmed by constant triggering or resentment. Causing deeper feelings of depression, anxiety, being snappy all the time, panic attacks, a loss of libido, loss of attraction to your partner, eating emotionally, or losing interest in achieving your life goals.
So what is Capacity anyway? This is a set of personal limits that each person has as a result of who they are and their life experiences so far. Regardless of what we want our capacity to be, each of us has our own limits. Physical and emotional capacity is based on your own personal histories, this can set limits on what you can give each other. Capacity is hit when something that you are doing or when the someone you care about has done something to you that feels physically or emotionally uncomfortable.
There will be times when it is very obvious and you will know that this has happened when it is currently happening or right after and sometimes you don’t realize it until after it happens much later. There are some factors that do play a part in your capacity that you have immediate control over, such as how much rest, exercise and a little more complex would be how connected you feel to yourself and your partner. Knowing your capacity is an imperfect process, it is not fixed and will change over time. Recognizing you and your partners capacity, accepting and embracing these capacities without feeling like they are flaws is very important.
This can be painful to admit that you can’t handle something and to leave out the self-judgment for being a failure or weak. You are not weak or a failure! Let me say that again only a little bit louder- YOU ARE NOT WEAK OR A FAILURE! You are strong and want to have the best relationship and connection possible, and that’s why understanding and listening to your own capacity and knowing your partner has their own capacity is so important. ACCEPT where your capacity is currently.
This may take some time, so be gentle with yourself. One factor I see in working with individuals and couples is hindering this acceptance is the messages we have been receiving, our outside programming, that has very possibly become your own. I know I have heard from multiple people these very words, “when going gets tough, the tough get going” and “you need a thicker skin”, have you been programmed with these sayings as well? I know most of us want to think, “those are just words they haven’t affected me”.
Well, there is a huge chance that those words or something similar that you heard is exactly why you push and pressure yourself to keep going or worse you have even learned to hide feelings of feeling overwhelmed by distancing or dissociating.
You don’t realize it, cause like me this word capacity wasn’t clearly understood. Moving beyond the pain, accepting your capacity can create a sense of freedom, instead of continually trying to handle something that you can’t. This helps with you being authentically you, you knowing the person you really are with the people you really love.
It is 100% possible to feel at ease, connected, present and have more motivation not less!
If you are feeling like my love letter spoke to you, good, I am not the only one and that means you can start TODAY. Understand, accept and be within YOUR capacity. It’s your life and your relationships. I want you to have the most pleasure possible every day!
In erotic breath, love, and hugs from my heart to your heart ~Dragonfly💜