Last week disappointment was part of my feels... you know when I lost all of what I had written to you in my love news. Yep, that happened.
This mess up pretty quickly turned into something I could see would be helpful to all of us, if I could pull it together and get the new words written out. I took a minute to celebrate myself for the time frame and the process to which I moved through this moment. Really a huge win in my book! Why was it a huge win? How I handled myself at this moment wasn't always how it was and of course, some disappointments are larger than others, yet they all feel very similar in my body. So I felt it would be great to give a bit more insight into this thing called disappointment within a relationship.
First I want to take a moment and say THANK YOU for your replies of appreciation and wanting to know more. I know a few of you had a few memories of past disappointments come up for yourself and remembered how you handled it and that didn't feel so good. A few were wondering in what ways people handle disappointment and why it happens? I hear you, so let me give you some insight.
To start down the path of finding clarity surrounding this unspoken part of your relationships, there are a few things about the disappointment I want you to know. It's normal, we all have it and we all have very different ways of dealing with it. You are different and wonderful with your own unique fears, desires, feelings and self-protecting strategies. Sometimes you will meet your partner's needs and sometimes you will not be able to. It could be because you have a lack of capacity, you are triggered or upset, or it just isn't in line with being true to who you are or your own needs. None of these things are excuses to act out horribly with your partner(s), rather it is in knowing and understanding where you currently are, why this disappointment may be happening and that it's not the end of the world, really it's not, yet at that moment it can feel like it. It may not feel as if it is the end of the world if we all have a more complete understanding of this topic and how it relates to us.
Why is this topic valuable to clarify? For many reasons. We spend a lot of time trying to avoid our own and others disappointments, trying to be what your partner wants you to be, hiding parts of yourself and not being truly who you are, unprocessed disappointment can lead to resentment and separation between you and your partner(s). There is a lot of wasted time in doing all of this, keeping you from having empathy, understanding, and connection in the relationship.
Why do you get disappointed? You will not ever be 100% of what a partner needs. Yes, I know, that in itself is disappointing to hear. You want to be 100% of everything your partner(s) needs and wants, yet that is not possible.
There are three major reasons in the "why" category. Can you see where each of these has influenced your disappointment?
1. Love is Blind- ex: the blissful ignorance at the beginning of a relationship
2. Life Circumstances Change- ex: a new job, having a child, moving
3. People Grow and Change- ex: learning & practicing new skills to help yourself, your health, "he/she/they were not like that when we met"
I would say most of us know from some past experience that disappointment can feel devastating. You could feel like you really made a big mistake and you will never get what you want in your relationship. Yet, the amazing thing is that relationships offer you opportunities for growth and you don't need to be everything to everyone. Wow, that's exhausting just thinking about needing to meet every one of your partner's needs! I am certainly unable to that and I don't want you walking around with that kind of pressure on your shoulders. So take a moment and let that one settle into your body, this can be a big one for some of us.
We tend to act in many different ways when it comes to feeling disappointment within our relationships. Some of these ways we enhance our connection and others are more destructive. Which of these seven enhance connection and which of these are destructive to your relationships?
1. Hiding Your Needs
2. Pushing Your Partner(s) to Change
3. Staying and Building Resentment
5. Staying and Sharing Your Disappointment
6. Outsourcing Dishonestly
7. Outsourcing Honestly
I want to invite you to take a pause after reading this. Take a minute to do an introspective check-in. Grab a pen and paper or a computer page/document and write about some disappointments you have felt in the relationship with your partner(s). Notice which "why" category these fall under. Then notice within the "seven ways" to see which are your habitual responses of action within disappointment.
If your partner(s) do not receive my Love News, forward this over to them and they can do the same! This will help you and your partner(s) identify where you are currently in the disappointment and help you move through it with a healthier perspective!
Remember... everything is a practice, it takes time. Be kind to yourself. There is no "hack" to love, relationships and sex. Seek out the tools to practice and truly have the relationship that works for you!
In erotic breath, love, and hugs from my heart to your heart ~Dragonfly💜